Monday, October 22, 2007

Superpower Assignments (updated! ... some more!!)

All right everyone (and I do mean everyone), you've all been assigned superpowers.

Anyone can assign anyone else, including themselves, a superpower.
All superpowers are sovereign.
You can change the superpower you assigned someone else if you like.


Aikta Wahi
  • Self-induced sleep [Brett]

Alex Henderson
  • Can travel back in time five seconds (five seconds to recharge) [Brett]
  • Powers of lightning (fury) [Alex]
  • Can make bread rise or resurrect fallen bread (one in every 1,000 attempts will misfire and give Brett an approximately 30 minute erection) [Cameron]
  • Can hover four inches above the ground [Megan]
  • Can generate shockwaves with ~5KJ of energy twice per day [Daniel]
  • May memorize one extra spell per day per caster level [Sean]

Alicia Gurley
  • Perfect balance [Brett]
  • Always has one cigarette left [Daniel]
  • Personal opinion determines critical reviews/general esteem of any pop culture medium (books, film, TV shows, etc.) [Megan]

Amanda Hurley
  • Has the only proper title to a djinn that will grant her seven wishes; the djinn is located in a lamp at the bottom of the sea in an unknown location; she is unable to give any indication to anyone that she is looking for something in the ocean [Brett]
  • Can replicate calico cats under 6 weeks of age [Daniel]
  • For one day per month, can make a person of her choice see themselves completely accurately & objectively [Megan]

Amy Olson
  • An incredibly extensive arsenal [Brett]

Anna B-R

  • Sex is always amazing [Brett]
  • Can summon a horned helmet and whale-bone javelin at will [Daniel]
  • War cry resounding for miles [Megan]

Anna DeWitt
  • Astigmatism [Brett]

Annie Blakeney-Glazer
  • Dances better than anyone else in the room [Brett]
  • Can dehyphenate surnames [Daniel]
  • Excellent intuition for midwifery [Megan]

Bobo Deng
  • When talking to people in person, knows what they least want her to [Brett]

Breniecia Reuben
  • Can pinpoint the location of any post-pubescent female within 50 miles [Brett]
  • Can make any marinade perfectly [Megan]
  • Can survive tornadoes, hurricanes and any other rotating meteorological phenomenon [Daniel]

Brent Williams

  • Excellent gaydar [Brett]

Brett A. Bumgarner
  • Social capital [Brett]
  • Anything made eventually turns out just as wanted [Kate]
  • Powers of amber (preservation) [Alex]
  • Knowledge of all components of all songs [Cameron]
  • Truly probing questions elicit honest answers [Megan]
  • Can carry on as many conversations at once as needed [Tim]
  • Can deliver messages via cats that paint [Jankers]
  • Can turn anything into psilocybin mushrooms when sober [Daniel]
  • Never encounters pot holes [Alicia]
  • Has visionary prescience of clothing about to enter his life [Jared]
  • Can wink at someone and control their mind for 10 minutes [Jen]
  • May throw urticating hairs at attackers if disturbed [Sean]

Brice McGowan
  • Can't get bored [Brett]

Cameron Hartofelis
  • Has no necessity for many bodily functions (eating, breathing, sleeping, drinking, sweating, burping, sneezing, coughing, vomiting, urinating, defecating, menstruating and ovulating) [Brett]
  • Perfect first impression of what someone is really like upon meeting them [Kate]
  • Powers of vegetation (entanglement) [Alex]
  • Queen of the cats [Cameron]
  • For one hour a week, can make anyone else see things from her perspective [Megan]
  • Can create artificial sunlight at any time of day or night for 30-35 seconds [Daniel]

Catherine Kronk
  • Can allow one animated character at a time to become real [Brett]
  • Always remembers to turn off the lights [Alex]

Chelsea Flowers

  • Can draw a perfect circle [Brett]
  • Can turn strawberry jam into raspberry jam [Megan]
  • Can sell anything to anyone for any price, given that the buyer is a crackhead and/or Batley from Eureka's Castle [Daniel]

Chris Erb
  • At the moment of most import in his life, a mysterious and wise old crone will approach him with an omen he would be wise to take heed of [Brett]
  • Can create and destroy Stalin doppelgangers when struck [Daniel]

Chris Lauderdale (Dr. Feathers)
  • Can guess anyone's astrological signs [Brett]

Cole Goins
  • Smells like what is most inviting to each individual [Brett]
  • Can surf the internet with 56k dialup speed on any computer connected to the internet [Daniel]

Colin Fleisher
  • Can bear children yet retain the same physical body [Brett]
  • Can see the past [Daniel]
  • Hates cockroaches [Megan]

Daniel Fleisher
  • Can communicate with the dead if in the place they were put to rest [Brett]
  • Has bat wings that attach under his arms and allow him to fly [Kate]
  • Powers of fog (occlusion) [Alex]
  • Can see in any light [Megan]
  • Can enthrall people with anything he's writing and it's meaning and intent is always lucid [Tim]
  • Can warm the heart of a recalcitrant child [Jankers]
  • Can make yogurt factories go under [Daniel]

Dave Moore
  • Skilled metalworker [Brett]

David Brown
  • Can like anything if he wants to [Brett]
  • Irresistible to kickdogs [Daniel]
  • Prescient knowledge of approaching people whenever in an embarrassing/compromising situation [Megan]

David Hardee Watkins
  • Wolf animagus [Brett]
  • Speaks every variation of British dialect immaculately [Alex]
  • Can make bats listen [Daniel]

Dustin Baugham
  • Is friends with Lea Thompson [Brett]

Emily McKendry-Smith
  • Levity [Brett]

Emily Morton
  • Once a year, can apprehend America's most wanted fugitive without experiencing serious harm [Brett]
  • Elicits fear in predators [Megan]

Emily Withers
  • Can grow and un-grow a mustache in any styling [Brett]
  • Can emit a warm and balmy glow from her hands [Megan]
  • Can understand all orbits (e.g. Kepler's laws) [Daniel]

Eric Foss
  • Rapport modulation [Brett]

Erin Watson
  • A small vole lives inside her abdomen which she can regurgitate and swallow back (neither unpleasant); it can do her bidding and report back to her; if it dies, she gets another [Brett]
  • Opposable toes [Megan]
  • When in the presence of solar-powered machines, can occasionally see through them [Daniel]

  • Expanding throat - can swallow eggs whole! [Brett]

Eugene Yacobson

  • Has knowledge of what all people honestly think about him, even if they don't know themselves [Brett]
  • Ultimate empathy [Megan]
  • Can inflict Delhibelly on invertebrates [Daniel]
  • Always comes when beckoned [Alex]

Forrest Oliphant
  • Controlled somnambulism [Brett]

Frank Gallaugher
  • Knows all institutional rules that apply in his spatial and temporal existence [Brett]
  • Will die with honor [Megan]
  • Has the power to make sense. Ever. [Daniel]

Garrett Davis
  • Loved by all children [Brett]

Heather Livengood
  • With her thoughts, can (1) kill people, and (2) resurrect and summon the dead directly to her (resurrections will be as they were a month before they died) [Brett]
  • Affinity for Jews [Daniel]

Helen Kearns
  • Can brew coffee that gives people extremely vivid and memorable dreams determined by how she brews and serves the coffee [Brett]
  • Sonar [Megan]
  • A green thumb [Alicia]
  • Can inflict mild myopia on Brett A. Bumgarner for several minutes once per day or when stressed [Daniel]

Hunter Simpson
  • Can assign truancy penalty immunity [Brett]

Isaac Sandlin
  • Hears envy [Brett]

Jacob McLean

  • A daily, novel, humorous anecdote [Brett]

Jadrian Miles
  • Musk [Brett]
  • Tusks [Daniel]

  • Punctuality [Brett]
  • Eternally clean socks and underwear [Kate]
  • Infinite arithmetic abilities [Megan]
  • Can get to the logical root of any problem [Tim]
  • Can generate and restore light in literal and metaphorical senses [Daniel]

Jared Brothers
  • Two lives but no save point [Brett]
  • Can transport himself through stone [Jared]
  • Can switch back and forth between male and female genitalia at will [Megan]
  • Is stone [Daniel]

Jason Maxwell
  • Can pass as a statuesque, thirty-something female [Brett]
  • Can temporarily deactivate a single power of an acquaintance if angered [Daniel]
  • Can seduce 5 people of his choice in his lifetime [Megan]

Jen Choi

  • Birds pick up spare change for her [Brett]

Jen Toledo
  • Can live the life of a 17th century British sea captain when she so pleases [Brett]
  • Can use any musical instrument as a flying device [Jen]

Jenny Cigmalia
  • Origami takes on the properties of the folded animal [Brett]

Jesse Anderson

  • Propriety [Brett]
  • Lives in the Bog of Eternal Stench [Daniel]

Jonah Garson
  • 25% improved odds at games of chance [Brett]

Jonathan Page
  • Bird's-eye view [Brett]

  • Has a safety place in the outskirts of southern Sydney he can teleport himself to (takes several minutes to manifest) [Brett]
  • Can make his hands look like anyone's hands [Megan]
  • Can regrow own teeth [Daniel]

Jose Boyer
  • Can control how sober he is [Brett]
  • Can grow roots 3-5 feet into soft earth [Daniel]
  • Can transmute kale into the same mass of any other type of food of his choosing [Megan]

Josh Dull
  • No scent or taste is too cloying, and is instead too peppery [Brett]
  • Satyr legs [Megan]
  • Public transportation runs on his time [Alicia]
  • Wings too small to actually carry him to the heavens [Daniel]

Kareen Boncales
  • Gets every joke [Brett]
  • Power to be known to Daniel Fleisher [Daniel]
  • Disarming [Megan]

Kareena Jasso

  • Can elude security guards with ease [Brett]

Kate Wheeler
  • Can remember everything, effective retroactively [Brett]
  • Powers of sunlight (restorative radiation) [Alex]
  • Shoes that always endure, always protect and are always perfectly worn in [Cameron]
  • Power over one ungulate at a time (can communicate with it and it will do her bidding) [Megan]
  • Can make any prescriptivism obsolete [Jankers]
  • Once per week, can view and store the entire genetic code for any species [Daniel]
  • May perform reverse osmosis as if it were regular, forward osmosis [Sean]

Katie Almirall
  • Can't be embarrassed [Brett]

Katie O'Neil
  • A large dowry [Brett]

Keith Hodson
  • Has a Pegasus [Brett]

Kenton deAngeli

  • Always gets to be the designated driver [Brett]
  • Can survive syphilis [Megan]
  • Can survive [Daniel]

Kevin Clark
  • Coldblooded [Brett]

Kevin Michael Clair

  • Can change anything’s color [Brett]
  • Can only immolate oneself in libraries all of whose books are composed entirely of blank pages [Daniel]
  • Control over all water (position, grouping [e.g. can condense all water out of the air, create tsunamis, etc.]). Basically the Magneto of water. [Megan]

Kevin Wood
  • Can always find closure [Brett]

Kristen Orr

  • "The Rachel" [Brett]

Kristen Pallotta
  • Can identify future stroke victims [Brett]
  • Everyday, can make any two books disappear forever (only that copy) [Daniel]
  • All clothes are flattering on her [Megan]

  • Can make bubbles come out of her mouth that last up to a day [Brett]
  • Extra vagina on roof of mouth [Daniel]
  • Paws instead of feet [Megan]

Lauren Brenner
  • Divining rod [Brett]

Laurin Gioglio
  • Expert scrimshander with infinite whalebone supply [Brett]
  • Can detect all masons within 50 meters [Daniel]
  • Can communicate with the person on the exact opposite side of the world from her, if there is a person at that spot at the moment of attempted contact [Megan]

Leilani Trowell
  • Can temporarily relieve herself of all stress [Brett]
  • Can't fly [Daniel]
  • Can slightly change the appearance of one body part (of hers) at a time (when changing another, the first body part returns to original appearance) [Megan]

  • Dignified composure in times of grief [Brett]

Lillian Morris
  • Commands respect [Brett]

Liz Yockey
  • Can forget anything she wants to [Brett]
  • Can spit pure RNA [Daniel]
  • Can levitate all vegetables at will [Megan]

Llael Maffitt
  • Can survive intense cold [Brett]


  • Will always be generously tipped when working in the service industry [Brett]
  • Poisonous [Daniel]
  • Excellent at all Vaudevillian performances [Megan]

Matt March
  • Always knows the exact time [Brett]
  • Can be distinguished from Will Moore [Daniel]
  • Welcomes people with warmth and cheer [Megan]

Matt Thomas

  • Can summon rainbows [Brett]

Meg Lyon
  • On every new moon, experiences the life of an elderly invalid for a day, and shall return to her life without any actual time having passed [Brett]
  • The biting strength of a man [Daniel]
  • Can emit sparks [Megan]

Megan Somerday
  • One and only one established being of mythology must be in play at all times as summoned by Megan (e.g., a mermaid, Santa Claus, Yahweh or a vampire) — beings that exist only in the plural may be summoned as such [Brett]
  • Can end any argument/discussion with one irrefutable statement [Kate]
  • Powers of clouds (neutralization) [Alex]
  • Can immediately summon any one person (known personally to her) at any time [Tim]
  • Can evoke whimsy with a pointed look [Jankers]
  • Can speak and understand all human languages [Daniel]
  • Infinite disarming charisma [Megan]
  • Prescience of spills [Liz]
  • Can control electricity [Jen]
  • May measure position and momentum simultaneously [Sean]

Melanie Singer
  • Lays eggs – a random variety every time! (nothing with an exoskeleton) [Brett]

Michael Harwood
  • Can fit into smaller spaces than one would expect [Brett]

Michael O'Shea
  • Fortune cookies always come true [Brett]

Mike Lebov
  • Debonairness [Brett]

Montgomery Morris
  • Speaks Esperanto [Brett]

  • Appliqué [Brett]

Nebula Li

  • Stilts [Brett]

Nicole Bittner

  • Excellent instinct for the stock market [Brett]

  • Knows the extent of his abilities [Brett]
  • Banished from Chicago [Daniel]

Nick Snyder
  • Loves Gallagher [Brett]

Niky Ring
  • Alacrity [Brett]
  • Werewolf blood (detectable by sorcerers and clerics) [Daniel]
  • Reasonable knowledge of aquatic creatures [Megan]

Nureena Faruqi
  • Can make blood come out of any orifice [Brett]
  • Venomous fangs [Megan]
  • Bulldozer-proof (though I know she's not a Palestinian :D) [Daniel]

Owen Fitzgerald
  • Red-green colorblind [Brett]

  • Can survive off mosses and lichen [Brett]

  • An uncommonly mordant wit [Brett]
  • Can pave flat areas at will [Daniel]
  • Glows in the dark [Megan]

Patrick Reynolds
  • Irrefutable evidence for all things he is wrongfully accused of [Brett]

Paul Smith

  • Wins every award he is nominated for (up to 25 nominees) [Brett]
  • Intimate knowledge of all buggery [Daniel]
  • Can survive in space with no protective gear [Megan]

Princess Ojiaku
  • Friends with Ghostwriter [Brett]
  • Can temporarily acquire the characteristics of another and a concomitant indicator of that person (think Kirby) [Megan]

Rayven Plaza
  • Can control how much physical pain she feels [Brett]

Reece McGowen
  • Every month, gets to pick a day where it goes as it would have, yet is only for practice [Brett]
  • Can swim and dive through the earth, as a dolphin can through water [Reece]

Robin Sinhababu

  • Speed-reading [Brett]

Ronnie Johnson
  • Can approach and pet herbivores without intimidating them [Brett]
  • Perfect navigational skills (perfect internal compass and map) [Megan]
  • Total immunity to contagion [Daniel]

Ros Schwartz
  • Frightens people [Brett]
  • Has 'It' [Megan]

Sarah Wilson

  • Can accurately assay her ability to seduce others [Brett]
  • Has the most pleasantly soft skin and hair of all time [Megan]
  • Metal fingertips (perfect for shredding! (on a guitar!)) [Daniel]

  • Stealth [Brett]

Sean Hill

  • Revolutionary cellist virtuoso who will always be regarded as the cellist of most import should he choose to capitalize on his skill [Brett]
  • Can temporarily legally change name to Hean Sill [Daniel]
  • Uncommonly flexible [Megan]
  • Can jump any height as long as doing so is in response to an explicit challenge [Sean]

Stanton Kidd
  • Never gets nauseous [Brett]

Stefan Mlot
  • Can restrict people's bodily movements with his mind [Brett]

Steph Russ
  • Tastes like each person's favorite ice cream flavor [Brett]
  • Can smell fear [Megan]

Susannah Tysor
  • Immunity to headaches [Brett]
  • Sterility stare [Susannah]
  • Can make locking joints unlock if needed [Daniel]

Susie Simpson
  • Parseltongue [Brett]
  • Can shed skin all at once (think: snakes) [Daniel]
  • Vertical, transparent eyelids (never has to blink!) [Megan]

Tess Pendergast
  • Hibernates [Brett]

Tessa Lee
  • Can always find a safe ride when hitchhiking [Brett]
  • Can perceive all objects as if they were coated in Vaseline [Daniel]
  • An unquenchable thirst for knowledge [Megan]

Tim Stallmann
  • All things that belong to him will automatically be neat, clean and organized [Brett]
  • Has knowledge of interesting secret places nearby [Kate]
  • Can recast any situation in a positive light to himself and others [Megan]
  • Can convince anyone of anything about himself if speaking to him/her in person [Tim]
  • Can restore English longbowmen's fingers that have been cut off [Jankers]
  • Can fold space and time three times in his life and create a separate copy of himself that will live its own life, but he will know what it is doing [Daniel]

Tony Shaff
  • Can conjure craved foods [Brett]

Travis Smith
  • Excellent rhythm [Brett]

Tyler Boyd
  • Whatever he wears is automatically the most stylish [Brett]
  • Can jump slightly higher than he currently can [Daniel]
  • Can change minute details of already-recorded songs at his pleasure [Megan]

Tyler Thomas
  • Perfect knowledge of everything's location outside the Earth's atmosphere [Brett]
  • Color coordination [Alicia]
  • Knows the full life-story of every character in Harry Potter but doesn't care [Alex]
  • Platemail [Daniel]

Will Moore
  • Sings with a beautifully plaintive voice [Brett]

Zachariah Cox
  • A noble bloodline [Brett]

Zane Beckwith
  • Hospitality [Brett]
  • Can cartwheel for miles without stopping [Daniel]
  • Subtlety [Megan]


Kate Wheeler said...

I did not assign myself ulitmate emapthy. I haven't decided yet. Excuse me.

Kevin said...

I'm pretty sure Daniel's power for me is actually a Borges story. Can someone get a guy at Carnegie Mellon to do some text mining to prove me right

Brett A. Bumgarner said...

weird, i didn't re-post this. oh well, it's a classic!

Brett A. Bumgarner said...

i particularly like the one you gave tessa, megan

Gan! said...

*I* re-posted it!

Brett A. Bumgarner said...

well i figured that out...i love the one you gave matt march!