Fuck Larry David.

Curb Your Enthusiasm sucks.

Okay it has some funny bits, but god, it really sucks. I could write for this show in my sleep. Check it:

Larry: I am speaking too casually!

Minority, "the help," or, ideally, both: I am offended! Irrationally so!

Larry: But what?! I didn't mean it like that!

Minority hep: I don't care! Boy am I angry, even though there's no need for me to be so angry! Curse you, Larry David!

Cheryl: Oh Larry ... ::sigh::

[/Scene]

See? Who needs Larry David?

I kind of want to find someone who will let me subject them to 20 episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm in one sitting. Then release them into the world. And observe. I'm sure we'd see some pretty interesting effects. The same would happen with The Comeback, Lost or any number of shows. It's like when I watched all that My So-Called Life and everything seemed so painful and poignant for a week.

An Inventory of My Boredom

So I've moved to the Windy City with big dreams, just on a whim. No job, no friends, just me in the middle of beautiful Tinseltown, with so much I can do.

So what am I doing? Er ... well ... let's look at my Friday:

• Batman Returns
• The Rules of Attraction
• Five episodes of Seinfeld
• Five episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm
• Three episodes of The Office
• One two-hour episode of Northern Exposure
• One episode of Friends
• One episode of Saved by the Bell
• One episode of Sex in the City (shut up)
• One episode of Will & Grace (shut up more)

Okay I don't think I can do this again. I'm walking around acting like Larry David, and believe me, that's no way to make new friends. I even ate five meals. Five. I think I was only hungry for one of them. Only out of boredom did I eat five!

Oh god please I need to think of what to do with my time, all the while not spending much money. And "find a hobby" isn't really advice. Either give me a hobby or a way to find one!

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Or at least it's sharper. Then again, I haven't really stabbed anyone with a sword, so maybe it isn't really sharper.

Okay people, this blog is playful. It is not meant to be mean-spirited. It is playful.

I know my comedy can be edgy. I'm a Richard Pryor of sorts, an Andrew Dice Clay, a Sinead O'Connor. All great comedians, all really edgy. Pushing envelopes, riding precipices.

It seems that in addition to my speakeasy flyers being discovered (speaking of which, Big Daddy Kane is performing at Trampdance! this Friday and there's no cover before 11pm), some of my posts have, well, hurt people's feelings.

Trust me. The only actual animus in these posts have been for those who narked on me for running a speakeasy and forced us to go get a liquor permit, which is just a big ol' hassle. And even then it's just so silly it's not even animus, it's ridicule. Playful, good-natured ridicule.

It's all given people great opportunity to lecture me about privacy issues in the information age. I hope my future employers at consulting firms don't decide to not hire me because I ironically enjoy Cathy comics ... but it looks like they may.

But come on, folks. This should really all be taken like a Friars Club Roast, except with occasional humor.

So I'm Not a Total Snob

The original isn't always better!

I recently got into NBC's The Office. "Oh, it'll just pale in comparison to the BBC's version. I don't want to even waste my time on that drivel."

But no! It's good! It's a very different show, and it's a good one! I mean check out this bit of dialogue:

Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: Haha, that's funny.
Angela: Yes. It was.
[Silence]

Come on, that's awesome.

Also I like Pam as much as Dawn! Jim as much as Tim! Even Dwight's a good! He doesn't have to be a poor-man's Gareth, he's his own man.

And and and they have many more episodes than the BBC one so they have more back characters developed, and we all know how much I love ensembles!

I <3 Phyllis.

If Anybody is Struggling for an Idea for What to Get Me for My Birthday, March 29th ...

... here's an idea.

why the church is REALLY homophobic.

homosexuality is an abomination but so is eating shrimp and wearing cloth made from two different materials. after reading this, i really want to watch the documentary the bible told me so which focuses on 5 people and their families after they "came out." review and critical analysis found here (a must read): http://www.pajiba.com/for-the-bible-tells-me-so.htm

ceviche recipe (per request)

this is for mexican-style ceviche.//

2 fillets of tilapia - for me, this constitutes about a little more than half a pound
sea bass and red snapper can also be used but i haven't tried those yet
4-5 limes
salt for taste
a quarter to half a red onion (white could also be used but i prefer the red)
one jalapeno pepper (the long kind)
gloves for cutting the jalapeno
cilantro - the amt can vary depending on how much one likes cilantro, i put excessive amounts

cut the tilapia into quarter inch cubes or smaller, you want them to be tiny so the lime juice can
fully cook the fish
marinate the tilapia over night (i always wait for 24 hours to be on the safe side) in an uncovered
bowl, most recipes suggest a covered glass bowl but i don't see any distinct diff in taste or quality

once the tilapia is "cooked", salt the fish until the lime juice isn't so citrus-y
(note: lemon juice is used often on cooked fish for flavoring purposes to eliminate the "fishy" taste, the same principle applies here but this time you are using salt to make this dish easier to eat, i don't use a lot of salt bc i enjoy acidic foods)
dice the remaining vegetables
be sure to wear gloves when cutting the jalapenos, the oil from the pepper stays on your fingers
forever and i've made the mistake several times of not using gloves; then a hour or two, wiping my eyes for whatever reason -- do not let this happen to you!
arrange dish on tostada and eat like a slice of pizza (my preferred method although the lime juice
tends to run down my forearms) or have some chips to eat dish as if it were a dip

since my last entry, i have made more! i do really enjoy this dish!

ceviche.

i made ceviche on my own last tuesday. two fillets of tilapia only lasted me 3 days and i want more! here is my top 5 foods of all time:

1) linguine or fettucini noodles with spicy tomato sauce (a specific sort of spaghetti)
2) tilapia mexican-style ceviche on tostada
3) pancit bihon
4) two eggs over-easy with salt and pepper and ketchup
5) the rosepetal popsicle from locopops that is probably no longer made

Not Quite Freegan

M goal is to spend no money on food between now and March 16th. Midnight! So technically March 17th. St. Patrick's Day!

I fear that unless I make this a "Oh no Brett, not again ... " project, I won't actually go through with it. But I will now, oh I will now. I'm doing things! I'm getting things done! I road a bike to FedEx yesterday and then swam for about an hour. And I can't ride a bike or swim! This Brett gets things done.

I just spent $40 on groceries at Whole Foods. Ya know, trying get to some staples that Lorenzo pointed out I might need. Granola, potatoes, canned tomatoes, onions, yogurt, mushrooms, fresh Thai basil (but it's yummy ... ), pasta, rice, more pasta, blueberries and balsamic vinegar.

Now it's skating time! Skating on staples! Then the ol' Mooch & Dive.

To reiterate: I'm not spending any money on food between now and St. Patrick's Day. ... Hopefully.

For the Love of Dog

In exchange to sleep on someone's couch when I still didn't have an apartment in Philly, I agreed to help someone (Lorenzo Buffa) out with a stop motion animation project for his art class. Behold!!